Blog

<h2>What I've done</h2>Okay so lets start with what i've done since the last blog post and I'll keep it short and sweet, pretty much fuck all towards my goals. I have barely sat down at this laptop and am lacking motivation to sit down and work on anything. How can I solve this problem? my motivation to go too the gym works well, I enjoy going there, it makes me feel better, I'm even going at busy hours which I would have never thought I'd do. However there was one time where I was going to lose it because there was 3 little nerds all sitting on the machine I wanted to use next which at the beginning was fine because I could just go to another machine but near the end, my lord. They would take waaay to long each all having a go, 3 MAN 1 MACHINE! come now brothers. Anyway thats that gym is going pretty well, people are noticing my physical change which when they mention it feels good, VINDICATION! hmm maybe I should take that good feeling try get that praise for something else I have done eg work on my laptop, could be the way however none of this is for praise, remind yourself of that, it is for you. For me to get my life in order and step up.Okay so with this post I am also going to look at my feelings because I have noticed that this year I have been in my head more than ever, it feels like i've only just gained a conciousness and now my mind races constantly with thinking, I would never really say overthinking but just thinking but I will dive into this deeper later in the blog I feel, well I mean I should i guess, fuck me having to shift every time I want to type is annoying, why cant it just autocorrect.Let us begin actually where should I start, maybe I should make a list of bullet points and then I can work from there..Myself - feelings about ones self, where do you even begin. Could take some time to think. I know I'll start with the start of the year, January I was a very confused and sad man, I had just lost Freya, somewhat ubruptly and I was very sad and this is where I first began thinking a lot in my own head and not talking to anyone about them, I remember trying to get to sleep at nights and would just think until somehow I fell asleep and then wake up thinking about her all day, well most of the day. Wait shouldnt this be in the relationship section? naah that can be how i'm feeling now about her. So at this time I was still in love with Freya and no where near over her yet I began a relationship with Sijia, somewhat I guess to deal with the lonliness or more fear of being alone, she was responsive, always there, I had someone to talk to at anytime and it was comforting to me, writing this now I realise things and will further elaborate in relationships I guess or should i just do it chronologically? this is my first one so its all learning on the job. Where was I.. January so yur I was pretty upset, maybe depressed, I don't like saying 'I'm depressed' because I feel that must be the very bottom and i had a lot of other things that were making me happy at the time, however I was very sad and also angry, angry that the woman I loved had just left me with not a word, just a snapchat message, FUCKING snapchat, damn, makes sense I was angry aswell. I'm realising its not quite what i want to do, going back through my year like this, I'll just hit subjects, write loads of shit about it and then move to the next. so lets start with her, the woman who has tortured my mind for 11 months this year. I still think about her daily which I dont think will end anytime soon if i'm honest. Does that mean I want her? No. If i had answered this even a month ago I would have said yes but I feel recently I might be getting over the hill or probably a better metaphor would be mount Everest because its been a long journey but I think I loved her, even love her but I'm coming to terms with not having her, I don't need her to be happy, I miss her, sure. A person will always miss someone they've loved and it shows that I did love her which at the time I knew but didnt know to what extent which is annoying as her words always replay in my head at certain times, I wont write them down but I will probably remember them forever and I shouldn't forget them because, and this i will type, I remember what came after those words, my family wont approve of your job and this shows me what I did already know and that is that she was quite social ladder orientated, she was happy with me but not happy to be with me. Shit just typing that I realise it sucks, Fuck. Okay so now should I message her or not? The clear answer is no dont message her but should I let her know I'm unfollowing her or just do it? would i want her to tell me? yes, I'd rather know than just one day find out, I think it would hurt me deep, would she feel the same? Am I hoping it sparks something again, I've thought about this and I feel we wont be the same together again, I brought out the innocence in her when we were together, she could be however she wanted with me and I accepted her and loved her for it because it brought out the relaxed and happy side of me, but she had a side of her that wanted to be more which isn't a problem but she felt there was more for her to have than me, more for her to explore by herself and I cant hate her for that, maybe the first one. Okay so should I message? I think one day before the end of the year I will, to pain myself one more time.Damn, maybe I should have put some paragraphs in there, make it look less long but no man wants it looking LESS long, we want all the length we can get, me especially, when its cold, i'm happy with the length on soft, chubbed up got me looking like jason luv. Alright less of that on to my other lady of the year, one I feel I done so wrong. I wont start from the start with her I'll just talk about how I feel about her know and why I feel so wrong. So I miss her, yes. In a year where I've popped copious amounts of snus, I am currently sticking one on the upper deck, I had someone that helped me cope in another way. She was always there for me, an ear that would listen, eyes that wouldn't just watch but stare, curious to know what I was thinking, lips that would always ask questions and a heart that would care about what I responded and I wrapped my hand around that heart and squeezed it, not tight but enough for her to get used to the constriction and it became accustom to its new environment and began to work like normal until one day I let it go with a rip and left her with a wound I don't know if it will last and I dont think I'll ever find out. This happened to me twice this year for 2 different reasons one I was the victim and the other the cause and I was unhappy with both. Alright should I write some good times down? because we had so many but I was still thinking about Freya that I couldn't live in the moment with her and that wasn't fair on her. The reason I ended it was because we was becoming too much, something I wasn't ready for and I now know I should have done it earlier but again I didn't want to be alone and this was a real cunt move from me because then it became to late, she had so much going on and I dropped her to add too that pain. I also feel we were not right for each other, certain things that I felt would itch at me, I was her, not everything but I would do the most for her for example cooking, paying, however she then did all the planning and definitely put in way more effort than me with how often we would see each other, when we would see each other again and boy did she let me know it. I still don't know if I ever loved her, I said it but I don't think I ever meant it but now I look back maybe I did, the things we did with and for each other is what lovers would do but near the last month of the relationship I was looking for a way out and really hurt her doing so. Should I message? I already have, I want a response, she stopped replying whilst in the netherlands so I was worried but also didn't know if it was her taking a stand and ending it on her times which is fine and good for her but i guess same as with my other relationship, I want closure, I guess I didn't really end either on my terms, just lost 2. I think I am going to message her one last time and really I want to know how she is. Alright so moving forward i'm going to message the two girls I lost, great plan dickhead.Friendships have been quite the vocal point of my year, numero uno was Paul moving away which I feel has brought us closer in some way, with talking to each other about deeper things, it has also made me grow up a little and look at my life differently, show me things i would want for myself. GWoP could slowly be on the downfall, the only thing holding us together is playstation which I did want to stop but with Yamin and his situation I want to help him out as much as possible and siege for him is an escape, its also easy for me to agree to that when i want to play it myself and i escape from having to work on myself. alright my hoes, Loretta has become a closer friend which I actually enjoy, we just chat crud but I know i can go to her if i got some lady problems, I fucking should be after all the brothers she's telling me about. Leslie and Era are sorta the same but nice to have them as friends and not have our whole group fall apart because of 2 people. Now Corey, someone who I want to slowly seperate from because he's not a goof friend to have, yes i spoke to him the other day and enjoyed the conversation however he isn't trustworth, is not a good influence and the actions he takes are not right in my eye for example the Yamin situation, you're telling me you have money but not paying back your ill friend, come on brother lets get this right.Right now i've been teased with some games but i want to finish this. alright future, I'm still at a lose as to what I want to do with my life but I do feel happy as of recent, I dont quite know why, i think its because of the gym but i have had less anxiety so thats a good step, I think cleaning the end room wont help much, sitting here and working on the laptop will, maybe the start of my own business will do that, BINBALL at least an attempt at making my own product and business, what is there to lose? So tomorrow I will begin my BINBALL journey.

A brief break

Soccer ball flew into the goal. Soccer ball bends the net, against the background of flashes of light. Soccer ball in goal net on blue background. A moment of delight. 3D illustration

<h2>Top Barlowtelli Goals Compliation</h2>Thats a cool enough heading, well I like it at least. So the other night I sat at my bedroom desk and wrote out a few goals, realistic and unrealistic I've also just decided to make the post about a routine I would like to follow.So I'm going to start with that actually, I think this will really help me to improve mood, health and all round self. So lets start with my current routine... I dont exactly have one. All my days are different I wake up at 4.15 go to work and then get in and do very little productive activities so lets build a healthy routine that can clear my mind, make me healthier and in general a better person. Alrighty so I wake up at 4.15 I want to change that to 4am, wake up and have a small workout, 100 push ups and my ab workout routine. This will take up about half hour, I can then shower and be ready to leave for work at around 5. I usually get home from work around 1-2pm, I'm currently a window cleaner so my finishing times tend to vary but around that time. Lets get in and exercise, this could be to the gym, a run or a swim. if its early I will gladly go to the gym when its quiet and then swim when I've got the lane to myself, never the fast lane them mufuckas swim too quick for me. Thats pretty much it. If, actually WHEN I stick to this I can adjust the plans and times with what I want to do and when for example learning a language can get a couple hours a week. I added that table and it looks ass but what you gonna do, I mean a bit of work I could probably make it look better but thats not the pressing matter right now. <table style="border-collapse: collapse; width: 100%;" border="1" data-mce-style="border-collapse: collapse; width: 100%;"><tbody><tr><td style="width: 16.665%;" data-mce-style="width: 16.665%;">4am</td><td style="width: 16.665%;" data-mce-style="width: 16.665%;">4.30am</td><td style="width: 16.665%;" data-mce-style="width: 16.665%;">5am</td><td style="width: 16.665%;" data-mce-style="width: 16.665%;">2pm</td><td style="width: 16.665%;" data-mce-style="width: 16.665%;">4pm</td><td style="width: 16.6748%;" data-mce-style="width: 16.6748%;">8-9</td></tr><tr><td style="width: 16.665%;" data-mce-style="width: 16.665%;">100 push &amp; Abs</td><td style="width: 16.665%;" data-mce-style="width: 16.665%;">Shower</td><td style="width: 16.665%;" data-mce-style="width: 16.665%;">Work</td><td style="width: 16.665%;" data-mce-style="width: 16.665%;">exercise</td><td style="width: 16.665%;" data-mce-style="width: 16.665%;">Laptop time</td><td style="width: 16.6748%;" data-mce-style="width: 16.6748%;">no phone <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(18px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-weight: inherit; font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); background-color: rgba(249,250,251,var(--tw-bg-opacity));" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(18px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-weight: inherit; font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); background-color: rgba(249,250,251,var(--tw-bg-opacity));">bedtime read</td></tr><tr><td style="width: 16.665%;" data-mce-style="width: 16.665%;"> </td><td style="width: 16.665%;" data-mce-style="width: 16.665%;"> </td><td style="width: 16.665%;" data-mce-style="width: 16.665%;"> </td><td style="width: 16.665%;" data-mce-style="width: 16.665%;"> </td><td style="width: 16.665%;" data-mce-style="width: 16.665%;"> </td><td style="width: 16.6748%;" data-mce-style="width: 16.6748%;"> </td></tr><tr><td style="width: 16.665%;" data-mce-style="width: 16.665%;"> </td><td style="width: 16.665%;" data-mce-style="width: 16.665%;"> </td><td style="width: 16.665%;" data-mce-style="width: 16.665%;"> </td><td style="width: 16.665%;" data-mce-style="width: 16.665%;"> </td><td style="width: 16.665%;" data-mce-style="width: 16.665%;"> </td><td style="width: 16.6748%;" data-mce-style="width: 16.6748%;"> </td></tr><tr><td style="width: 16.665%;" data-mce-style="width: 16.665%;"> </td><td style="width: 16.665%;" data-mce-style="width: 16.665%;"> </td><td style="width: 16.665%;" data-mce-style="width: 16.665%;"> </td><td style="width: 16.665%;" data-mce-style="width: 16.665%;"> </td><td style="width: 16.665%;" data-mce-style="width: 16.665%;"> </td><td style="width: 16.6748%;" data-mce-style="width: 16.6748%;"> </td></tr><tr><td style="width: 16.665%;" data-mce-style="width: 16.665%;"> </td><td style="width: 16.665%;" data-mce-style="width: 16.665%;"> </td><td style="width: 16.665%;" data-mce-style="width: 16.665%;"> </td><td style="width: 16.665%;" data-mce-style="width: 16.665%;"> </td><td style="width: 16.665%;" data-mce-style="width: 16.665%;"> </td><td style="width: 16.6748%;" data-mce-style="width: 16.6748%;"> </td></tr><tr><td style="width: 16.665%;" data-mce-style="width: 16.665%;"> </td><td style="width: 16.665%;" data-mce-style="width: 16.665%;"> </td><td style="width: 16.665%;" data-mce-style="width: 16.665%;"> </td><td style="width: 16.665%;" data-mce-style="width: 16.665%;"> </td><td style="width: 16.665%;" data-mce-style="width: 16.665%;"> </td><td style="width: 16.6748%;" data-mce-style="width: 16.6748%;"> </td></tr></tbody></table>Compliation time, Barlowtelli's goals coming hot and fast unlike the goalscorer himself, I also wont cry whilst writing this, well maybe just a lil bit. Alright so I'm working on a 5 year plan lets do a little run through of the basic in 5 years I would like to own a house, be earning at least £10,000 a month, learn a language, create an app or animation (to be decided).<ul><li>Buy a house</li><li>Earn £10,000 a month</li><li>Learn a language</li><li>Create an app or animation</li></ul>Thats it, nothing too crazy I think once i get into a routine and clear my mind and find a path I'll be able to add to these goals as there are other things I would like to do but I need to set myself reachable goals right now, break them down into 1 year goals and how I will keep myself accountable. I also want to sort of refine my writing because when I read back on this I can tell its all over the place, kind of jumbled ontop of each other, I just spit the words out as soon as they come into my head and dont go back to make it make sense often :)<h2>1 year</h2> <ul><li>Have at least £20,000 saved</li></ul>So £20,000 saved can be done fairly easy, as now I'm single I have time to work all weekends and nothing to spend money on so it just goes straight into my savings but over the year lets make it £800 - 1000 a month saved.<ul><li>Earn money away from window cleaning</li></ul>To be earning at least £1,000 a month through different streams of income, AI i'm thinking will be a part of this.&nbsp;<ul><li>Short chinese conversation</li></ul>Lessons daily at least 10-15 minutes&nbsp;<ul><li>A storyboard or script for an animation + an app made</li></ul>Lets start brainstorming (maybe with Matt) Also using AI to help create the appSo these are the beginning goals.&nbsp;How will I stay accountable?I might post this and then have this page as my safari screen whenever I go on there, reminding me to get a fucking move on. I also enjoy being down here writing away so how will I keep myself coming down here daily? I mean all i really have to do somehow is use heartbreak to be my motivation. Which is pretty gay, I need something else to be the drive. Hmmm okay how about this...BROTHER! WAKE UP THIS IS YOUR ONE LIFE AND YOU'RE DOING NOTHING WITH IT. LETS MAKE SOMETHING OF YOURSELF! BEND LIFE TO YOUR WILL! MAKE IT YOUR FUCKING OWN! GRAB IT BY THE FUCKING NUTS AND TWIST IT UNTIL IT SPITS OUT WHAT YOU WANT!That will be my new lock screen once I go get my phone, also gonna change my alarm photo to one of inside this office so in the morning I&nbsp;really&nbsp;﻿gotta get up to wake up. Future me will hate it but also thank me for it.

Barlowtelli Goals Compliation '24

This is going to be a simple blog where I write about my progress with AI and what I use it for. I will be doing as many things as I can, some simple and some more complex but I'm sure I will start with simple, the end goal is to create some money using AI well really it would be to live using AI so I can travel the world, which would c ost a lot more money so lets see.&nbsp;Oh and if you cannot tell it is also to improve my writing as even I can tell reading this back its just a pile of mumbo jumbo.&nbsp;Okay so first things first I am not liking WordPress at all, trying to do the simplest of things is becoming more challenging that it should be (or at least I think it should be). I am trying to create a stand alone homepage which I have done but the customisation of it is so far just horrendous unless I want to pay to upgrade which from what I can tell is what they want me to do as I have little control over what I can do for example I cant edit the footer least I upgrade to a higher power. I used to use WordPress back in 2016 at a web development company and I was pretty competent at my job but I never touched Guttenburg, I got out just before the big switch happened and I guess I was probably on a business account but no plugins unless I upgrade?? Now that seems wild to me however I could be jumping the gun and it could just be the certain plugin I wanted to use, but none the less I am not enjoying my time thus far.&nbsp;Alright so why am I doing this?&nbsp;To learn what AI can do for me and how to make some mullah in the process. &nbsp;Begin a new path in my live or at least try and carve one out as I feel I am currently lost in a desert with no direction to the nearest water source.&nbsp;I mean I thought there would be a third reason but I guess I'm stuck at 2 for now, however I hope the 2 reason makes for reason 3 4 5 &amp; 6.&nbsp;Writing down the problem is a problem halved they say so let see if thats true, I am lazy and unmotivated and still at home at 27 which in the housing market isn't crazy but I would like to get out soon, get out making it sound like a prison but thats not true at all, I actually have it extremely easy which could be the reason for my laziness and minimal motivation. I'm comfortable. Being comfortable I think isn't my sole problem nor is it a bad thing but I'm sure there's a saying by someone, somewhere more motivated than me and clearly often times uncomfortable that 'comfort is the enemy of achievement', also a quick google search gave me another from Steelers Head Coach Mike Tomlin 'If you want special outcomes, you have to be comfortable with being uncomfortable.' And I mean I can't disagree with a man who has never had a losing record in an NFL season so thats what I want to do, get out of my comfort zone and become something different, do something with my life other than be a window cleaner until the day I drop dead. BUT where does that all start? With me.... Lets begin :)&nbsp;Week 1&nbsp;Been a hard start to the week, my discipline has not been good, I cave into playing siege with Matt and Yamin, which at the time I am obviously doing so because of the situation, working on myself has not gone well either I have had some fruit and vegetables.Take fucking 2 then, Jesus christ! Technology is shit, since that last post ranting about WordPress I thought this site I had made previously would probably be better as I've got a nice little set up to it and what not, finished the first blog, HIT SAVE, poof... like I never wrote anything. Well then first things first I'm back and am going to stick to this now, I have to if i want to make anything out of my life :) and not just that I have to but I want to and look forward to this journey, numero uno goal is to write a blog at least once a week, thats my goal thus far as I am about to work on my plan.&nbsp;Basically what I want to achieve in life, set goals, aspirations long term, short term, money goals, health goals whatever it may be BUT I got to figure that out for myself, good luck to me, fuck it dont need luck just disclipline which I have lacked in my last few years, time to change! and I just dont want to reach these goals i set begrudglingly, I'll enjoy the journey getting there probably more than the goals themself, hopefully! any who LETS FUCKING GO!- BarlowtelliMonday 30th Sep '24