A brief break

What I've done

Okay so lets start with what i've done since the last blog post and I'll keep it short and sweet, pretty much fuck all towards my goals. I have barely sat down at this laptop and am lacking motivation to sit down and work on anything. How can I solve this problem? my motivation to go too the gym works well, I enjoy going there, it makes me feel better, I'm even going at busy hours which I would have never thought I'd do. However there was one time where I was going to lose it because there was 3 little nerds all sitting on the machine I wanted to use next which at the beginning was fine because I could just go to another machine but near the end, my lord. They would take waaay to long each all having a go, 3 MAN 1 MACHINE! come now brothers. Anyway thats that gym is going pretty well, people are noticing my physical change which when they mention it feels good, VINDICATION! hmm maybe I should take that good feeling try get that praise for something else I have done eg work on my laptop, could be the way however none of this is for praise, remind yourself of that, it is for you. For me to get my life in order and step up.

Okay so with this post I am also going to look at my feelings because I have noticed that this year I have been in my head more than ever, it feels like i've only just gained a conciousness and now my mind races constantly with thinking, I would never really say overthinking but just thinking but I will dive into this deeper later in the blog I feel, well I mean I should i guess, fuck me having to shift every time I want to type is annoying, why cant it just autocorrect.

Let us begin actually where should I start, maybe I should make a list of bullet points and then I can work from there..

Myself - feelings about ones self, where do you even begin. Could take some time to think. I know I'll start with the start of the year, January I was a very confused and sad man, I had just lost Freya, somewhat ubruptly and I was very sad and this is where I first began thinking a lot in my own head and not talking to anyone about them, I remember trying to get to sleep at nights and would just think until somehow I fell asleep and then wake up thinking about her all day, well most of the day. Wait shouldnt this be in the relationship section? naah that can be how i'm feeling now about her. So at this time I was still in love with Freya and no where near over her yet I began a relationship with Sijia, somewhat I guess to deal with the lonliness or more fear of being alone, she was responsive, always there, I had someone to talk to at anytime and it was comforting to me, writing this now I realise things and will further elaborate in relationships I guess or should i just do it chronologically? this is my first one so its all learning on the job. Where was I.. January so yur I was pretty upset, maybe depressed, I don't like saying 'I'm depressed' because I feel that must be the very bottom and i had a lot of other things that were making me happy at the time, however I was very sad and also angry, angry that the woman I loved had just left me with not a word, just a snapchat message, FUCKING snapchat, damn, makes sense I was angry aswell. I'm realising its not quite what i want to do, going back through my year like this, I'll just hit subjects, write loads of shit about it and then move to the next. so lets start with her, the woman who has tortured my mind for 11 months this year. I still think about her daily which I dont think will end anytime soon if i'm honest. Does that mean I want her? No. If i had answered this even a month ago I would have said yes but I feel recently I might be getting over the hill or probably a better metaphor would be mount Everest because its been a long journey but I think I loved her, even love her but I'm coming to terms with not having her, I don't need her to be happy, I miss her, sure. A person will always miss someone they've loved and it shows that I did love her which at the time I knew but didnt know to what extent which is annoying as her words always replay in my head at certain times, I wont write them down but I will probably remember them forever and I shouldn't forget them because, and this i will type, I remember what came after those words, my family wont approve of your job and this shows me what I did already know and that is that she was quite social ladder orientated, she was happy with me but not happy to be with me. Shit just typing that I realise it sucks, Fuck. Okay so now should I message her or not? The clear answer is no dont message her but should I let her know I'm unfollowing her or just do it? would i want her to tell me? yes, I'd rather know than just one day find out, I think it would hurt me deep, would she feel the same? Am I hoping it sparks something again, I've thought about this and I feel we wont be the same together again, I brought out the innocence in her when we were together, she could be however she wanted with me and I accepted her and loved her for it because it brought out the relaxed and happy side of me, but she had a side of her that wanted to be more which isn't a problem but she felt there was more for her to have than me, more for her to explore by herself and I cant hate her for that, maybe the first one. Okay so should I message? I think one day before the end of the year I will, to pain myself one more time.

Damn, maybe I should have put some paragraphs in there, make it look less long but no man wants it looking LESS long, we want all the length we can get, me especially, when its cold, i'm happy with the length on soft, chubbed up got me looking like jason luv. Alright less of that on to my other lady of the year, one I feel I done so wrong. I wont start from the start with her I'll just talk about how I feel about her know and why I feel so wrong. So I miss her, yes. In a year where I've popped copious amounts of snus, I am currently sticking one on the upper deck, I had someone that helped me cope in another way. She was always there for me, an ear that would listen, eyes that wouldn't just watch but stare, curious to know what I was thinking, lips that would always ask questions and a heart that would care about what I responded and I wrapped my hand around that heart and squeezed it, not tight but enough for her to get used to the constriction and it became accustom to its new environment and began to work like normal until one day I let it go with a rip and left her with a wound I don't know if it will last and I dont think I'll ever find out. This happened to me twice this year for 2 different reasons one I was the victim and the other the cause and I was unhappy with both. Alright should I write some good times down? because we had so many but I was still thinking about Freya that I couldn't live in the moment with her and that wasn't fair on her. The reason I ended it was because we was becoming too much, something I wasn't ready for and I now know I should have done it earlier but again I didn't want to be alone and this was a real cunt move from me because then it became to late, she had so much going on and I dropped her to add too that pain. I also feel we were not right for each other, certain things that I felt would itch at me, I was her, not everything but I would do the most for her for example cooking, paying, however she then did all the planning and definitely put in way more effort than me with how often we would see each other, when we would see each other again and boy did she let me know it. I still don't know if I ever loved her, I said it but I don't think I ever meant it but now I look back maybe I did, the things we did with and for each other is what lovers would do but near the last month of the relationship I was looking for a way out and really hurt her doing so. Should I message? I already have, I want a response, she stopped replying whilst in the netherlands so I was worried but also didn't know if it was her taking a stand and ending it on her times which is fine and good for her but i guess same as with my other relationship, I want closure, I guess I didn't really end either on my terms, just lost 2. I think I am going to message her one last time and really I want to know how she is. Alright so moving forward i'm going to message the two girls I lost, great plan dickhead.

Friendships have been quite the vocal point of my year, numero uno was Paul moving away which I feel has brought us closer in some way, with talking to each other about deeper things, it has also made me grow up a little and look at my life differently, show me things i would want for myself. GWoP could slowly be on the downfall, the only thing holding us together is playstation which I did want to stop but with Yamin and his situation I want to help him out as much as possible and siege for him is an escape, its also easy for me to agree to that when i want to play it myself and i escape from having to work on myself. alright my hoes, Loretta has become a closer friend which I actually enjoy, we just chat crud but I know i can go to her if i got some lady problems, I fucking should be after all the brothers she's telling me about. Leslie and Era are sorta the same but nice to have them as friends and not have our whole group fall apart because of 2 people. Now Corey, someone who I want to slowly seperate from because he's not a goof friend to have, yes i spoke to him the other day and enjoyed the conversation however he isn't trustworth, is not a good influence and the actions he takes are not right in my eye for example the Yamin situation, you're telling me you have money but not paying back your ill friend, come on brother lets get this right.

Right now i've been teased with some games but i want to finish this. alright future, I'm still at a lose as to what I want to do with my life but I do feel happy as of recent, I dont quite know why, i think its because of the gym but i have had less anxiety so thats a good step, I think cleaning the end room wont help much, sitting here and working on the laptop will, maybe the start of my own business will do that, BINBALL at least an attempt at making my own product and business, what is there to lose? So tomorrow I will begin my BINBALL journey.